Freedom

Sitting across from you, listening to you plead and negotiate your case for going to a party I can't help but feel that I am on the wrong side of the bench. I feel like I am you but now I am responsible for you. I feel the weight of this responsibility moment to moment and ever since I first realized you were there. Being responsible for shaping, nurturing, guiding and caring for you both is the most important thing I will ever do.

The strange part is that I don't have a degree in parenting. I don't have a set of rules and guidelines to follow. Things I might find successful for one of you, don't necessarily work with the other. I am just figuring it out as I go.

The other factor that make this job even more challenging is that I share this responsibility with your Dad. We need to come to an agreement on our decisions and choices, making it even more complex.

I am you though. Please don't forget that. For me 18 feels like yesterday. I remember feeling such a sense of freedom, belonging and happiness hanging with my friends. I want you to have this. I want to let go enough for you to taste this freedom and prepare you for flight. Given that 18 seems like yesterday though I remember that you won't always make the best choices. That sometimes you will put yourself at risk. That sometimes you won't assess a situation correctly. These memories for me both good and bad are the stories I tell now. I want you to have stories but now as your mom I also want or rather need you to be safe.

The need to keep you safe is the most powerful feeling I have ever felt. I have a constant inner battle with myself to allow you the right amount of freedom for your age while balancing safety. I know I have to let go enough for you to begin to take up the job of being responsible for yourself.

I don't want to be cliché but the decisions I make for you are truly because I love you. That doesn't mean they are always right but they come from a good place.

I ask for your understanding and acknowledgement of my effort. I am not always going to get it right. There are so many times when I still feel 18 myself and I am parenting two teenagers.

I kind of always thought things would get easier as you got older but they are harder. The consequences of the decisions I make have a bigger impact and I feel the increased responsibility. I fear the loss of your love or respect.

I guess I am trying to lay my cards on the table. I have stood in your shoes but you haven't yet stood in mine. I wanted to share enough with you that you might be able to feel a bit of the weight of the responsibility I feel.

These are some of the best years of your life. I am so excited for you both and a bit envious. Freedom is such a wonderful feeling. Please just don't forget that with that freedom I am handing you the reigns of responsibility and I need to feel that you got it. This is no easy task for me. My need to mother is strong but my 18 year old self is trying to balance this out.

I know this job could have been harder. I am lucky to have the two of you for kids. I am overwhelmingly proud of the people you are, the choices you make and the company you keep.

Being your mom is not only the most important thing I will ever do but also the best thing. I love you both.