Project Manager's Nightmare

I've always dealt with a feeling like I am just waiting for the next hammer to drop. The next crisis or drama to happen. It's difficult to be really in the moment when you are waiting and in "Protect Mode". Sailing has nudge this "looming threat" feeling into overdrive. Feels like we are always just moments away from the next catastrophe. I tend to stay on guard and ready. I think I might even be a bit addicted to the drama. I have a sense of guilt if I let my guard down and feel too happy. I am use to mitigating risks and managing issues and adjusting accordingly but man this sail life is a project manager's nightmare. 

Yesterday we left the dock and headed out to tie to a mooring ball in the bay. I am working hard to own my role as helmswoman. I refreshed my memory on reversing a sailboat with some help from YouTube and considered where the wind was coming from and if it would be helping or hurting me. I considered all the lines tied to the dock and how I wanted them removed and in what order. I called the dock hand and asked for a hand departing. Gulp....my anxiety was building. I should mention that we have a very heavy full keel boat, so it doesn't respond very quickly and it doesn't course correct very quickly either. 

The dock hand arrived and I asked him to untie the stern line and loop it around the cleat and
return to Graham on the boat. I asked him to control the bow line and walk us back as I reversed. Graham would then keep us close as I backed up and release his line once the stern was clear and then go the bow and take the line once we were clear of the dock. I just had to make sure we backed up in the right direction and not to quickly or to slowly! For any of our sailing friends reading they might be saying to themselves, "no biggie". Well, I hope to one day share the same sentiments and be oozing confidence but for today....I am not there ;-). I am not gonna lie to you though, it is such a rush being at the helm and directing folks on how it will go down but also a tremendous feeling of responsibility. I can imagine a tiny bit of what Graham must feel as Captain. 

Once we cleared the dock and were underway to the mooring ball, I felt a snippet of pride and relief. Phew....task 1 complete and here comes task 2. The mooring ball is in a bay that is a bit unusual because the wind blows you into the bay towards the beach. Almost 100% of the time you are being blown away from the shore so it is fairly straight forward to pull in and anchor or tie up. In this situation it feels a bit uneasy as you need to enter and turn around. I called our friend in the bay and asked if he'd come over and help tie our lines up. I managed to come up right behind the ball with the wind on our nose and close enough for Graham to pass the line to our friend to loop through the ring and pass back. I could of been a bit closer but it was a pretty good job. 

Once we were tied up I headed to the bow feeling.....happy, excited, proud. I taped the
moment and asked for a high five from Graham. Once the recording stopped his face dropped. He let me know that our recent fix in the yard to our prop shaft and stern tube which connects to our engine isn't right as he had checked when we were motoring to the ball and it was burning HOT to the touch......there it is....the universe hasn't let me down. I can tell instantly that this problem will not be a quick fix. We had previously determined that the stern
tube to the engine has never been in alignment but after seeking lots of advice and consideration of the fact that everything has been fine for the past 10 years....we decided to just replace the parts that needed replacing and leave it as is.....well, it seems we should have just bit the bullet and fixed the bigger alignment issue at the same time. My mind starts racing as I consider options....most options dealing with this issue involve not having the boat in the water, oiy.....back to the yard and being hauled out. They require parts that often are not available on the island and need to be shipped....and they involve plenty of time and money. 

I am realizing that if I wait to be happy I am gonna miss it. This is our life....all the challenges and sunrises. There are going to be plenty of challenges but we love challenges, right? These moments can't own my happiness. Feels good to write it down. A letter to myself. I also need to come to terms with the fact that a schedule with sailing is most definitely not set in stone and my need for control needs to be relaxed. I need to settle in and let this journey guide me a bit. I can't be in wait mode....this is my life.